Outside

I've been in a play recently. It is far and away the the best comedic piece I've been in, and arguably one of the most rewarding theatre experiences I've yet had. I can't understate that. It has been amazing and I wouldn't change it for the world. However, I can't really say it's been entirely easy. The Director expects the best out of us and is unwilling to let us look bad. It's been a rough but I walked out the other side far better for the experience. And frankly it's not that point that I want to talk about.

I have only rarely felt like more of an outsider than I had with this group. It's not that I've been made to feel unwelcome, and in fact a few genuine efforts to include me have been made. They just haven't bridged that gap. I've tried as well, and through a few points of resonance have been found I remain looking in more than being a part.

It's nobody's fault really. I would work with any of these people again without any hesitation at all. And given the opportunity I would gladly break bread or drink wine with them all. They're fantastic and interesting people. Which is perhaps why my feelings are so mixed. I don't belong there. But would like to.

When I first got cast in this production, I felt that it was going to be something special. Like the first scent of rain on the wind I could feel it's importance in an almost palpable manner. In the days before our first rehearsal I even had a significant and intense dream regarding one of my cast mates, a person I had seen but had never met. For me, meeting this group had a strange electricity in the air. An electricity that at times became a wall. Less magnetic and more the balance created by gravitational events.

I'm used to feeling like an outsider. It's pretty much my natural state. So much so that when I find a group that accepts me without hesitation my first reactions are confusion followed by suspicion. It's not because of a lack of confidence. It simply stems from a full awareness of who I am. I'm a strange guy. I give odd impressions. I'm personable, but that's in spite of my persona not because of it. At least not initially. I'm an outsider.

It is the price of being a shaman. And also the price of being an artist. You stand outside of the world because it gives us the best view of how things really are. It's the lot of chosen. It's the price I've paid.

Sometimes it just takes you by surprise, when you get what you pay for.