I want to say something. I really do. I want to talk about love and life and all those beautiful things that neee more words.
I want to talk about words and all the wondrous ways they combine and make the world a better place.
I want to talk about the growing darkness that weighs on my soul. The bitter sticky goo that chokes me and makes me cry over small the small omens that fill our days.
I want to cry. To let my tears flow from their secret reserve and spread across the rough patches of this life like a balm.
But right now there's too much to be done. I don't have the time to be broken. There are novels to write and preteen sociopaths to combat the destinies of.
And even if there was the time, I can find nothing to sooth myself with. There's nothing to loose myself in. Nothing to ease the gnawing voices in the back of my skull.
I have to find a place that it's safe to let my guard down. I need to find something to loose myself in. Something to let me relax and unclench, and something that I don't feel guilty about after. Or worse... feel nothing about.
I'm just babbling. Loosing the bile in my heart in a "healthy" way. I realize this. I'm also realizing that this isn't helping as much as I had secretly hoped it would. I feel like I have nowhere to turn currently.
I have a great many people that love me dearly. I know this, and without them I would be even worse off.
But I'm trapped in a cage of my own creation. Locked in by my own feelings and desires, and the profound contradictions existant in them. I want to fight against it... but I don't know how anymore.
Anyway. To end this on a light note, I have a good life. I have amazing friends and a family that support me endlessly. I have more love in my life than I know what to do with. And I have a job where I'm wanted and that I love.
So there's that.
