Dissonance

I saw a play. I beautiful piece of theater that slammed into my head and exploded like a pipe bomb amongst my perceptions. Eric(a) at Plan-B Theatre in Salt Lake City is a profoundly moving piece about the nature of identity, gender, and what it's like to fall in love for the first time. I had fully anticipated that it would be good. Plan-B does solid work. And Matt Bennett, Jerry Rapier, and Teresa Sanderson are truly fantastic thespians and artists. I even began writing my review of the play in my head a few days before I even saw it. I knew it would be worth watching.

What I didn't expect, what I couldn't have expected was what it would help me see about myself.

The transsexual experience is something that I've spent time thinking over, but ultimately always came to the same conclusion. I don't get it. You accept your meat for what it is. You learn to love yourself as you are. Now, I never saw any problems with cross dressing or dressing as masculine and feminine as you please. Hell, I once wore a gold tu-tu to school in highschool, and was infamous for randomly wearing a skirt during my college years. I love playing around with gender stereotypes. In my writing, in the games I play. A character I played in a tabletop roleplaying makes some of my old friends to this day swear that I was somebody's african american grandma in a past life.

So I sincerely have no qualms with the core idea. The part I can't understand is once you reach the surgical cosmetic level. That's the point that just makes me sad. For the same reasons that all cosmetic surgeries just make me sad. Being a little unhappy with your meat is fine as long as it drives you to better yourself. As long as you're healthy it shouldn't matter what you look like on the outside.

Now there's been a comparison I've heard before comparing the need for surgical modification to things like cleft pallet or reconstructive surgeries after accidents. They've compared the emotional pain of the cognitive dissonance to the physical pain of the people who have suffered these accidents. I'm not one to say either way. Just the point that's brought up. I don't see them as the same thing, but I'm not going to judge. I think that cosmetic surgery is cosmetic surgery. Sometimes it's needed for quality of life, more times it's not. It becomes a manifestation of self-loathing many times I've seen.

I can respect that it's an attempt to cope with the dissonance of their existence. An attempt to silence the pain of feeling like society is tearing you apart from within. If the meat reflects the spirit, then that dissonance will stop seems to be the thinking.

Now, I'm not sexually dimorphic. I'm genetically male, and identify as such. So I don't get the gender identity component. However, internal/external dissonance? That I have in spades. That part I understanding. Feeling like if only this one thing was different than everything else would fall into place has been my average Tuesday since I was a little boy.

I see spirits. I interact with a world that others can only sense and many more don't think exist at all. In this era, I'm a madman. A few hundreds of years ago? I'd have been a Shaman. I'd have a place of honor in my community and could devote my life to making things better for those I could. I have felt like I was a relic of a bygone era for most of my life. I was born into the wrong time. And I see a bit of a synergy with those born in the wrong body. That play pointed me to it in a way I would never have anticipated.

I feel joined with them, not by a profound harmony, but by our mutual dissonance. A paradox of existence that out of its necessity I have embraced. I have learned to love the delightful tension of things not being quite right. I recognize that few would be willing or able to live their lives like this, and they shouldn't have to. I just have found a way to be balanced, and healthy, within my own contradiction.

And I sincerely wish I could share the beauty I see in the asymmetry, if only for the moment. And let my brothers and sisters see how beautiful they are regards of anything the world or themselves demand of them.

Perfection

When I was still Mormon I spent a LOT of time contemplating the nature of Perfection. Though it's not one of their Articles of Faith or Pillars of their beliefs the concept of "perfection" is a very important and ingrained one. It is in fact point so important that when I had a very hard time understanding what exactly that meant it caused a great deal of friction, and lead to the default "Gods ways are not our ways" or what I like to call "you'll find out when your dead" cause they didn't know how else to answer. But it was something I became truly obsessed with. This idea of perfection. It brought so many interesting questions.

As a Perfect being will I be able to do things I was never able to?

What's the point of striving to learn a skill if you're suddenly gonna be "perfect" at it after death?

How well does Jesus play the banjo?

Was Christ the template of Perfection that we all needed to become like and if so how far could we deviate from that and still be Perfect?

How does individuality play into the Template of Perfection?

When I was still Mormon these questions haunted me. Cause nobody could explain it. Some of that is my own fault. I distilled down the entirety of my issue into a simple (and absurd) question. And is the very nature of the absurd, it make you think in ways that are not comfortable. So a lot of times it's waved to the side because you've asked it in an overly simplified way.

I never got my answers then. And so I took all that effort and turned it to creating my own solution to the problem of perfection. In the end I came up with three.

The Three Perfections

Chaos: (The first I came up with and the one that seems to most closely mimic the vaguest definitions of Perfection.) This idea of Perfection is striving towards a being for which anything can be done with ease. Of course Jesus can play banjo like a master, he's perfect. Everything can be done with ease.

So why do I link this idea to a concept as generally negative as Chaos? Because if there was even one such individual with no flaws who could do everything like a master, do everything better then everyone else, the system would tear itself apart. Why try? Just call up Jesus, he's going to do it better.

Or what if as Mormon theology dictates, we are all to be made perfect? Why should I deal with anyone else when I can do EVERYTHING as well as they can? I probably wouldn't. It creates a homogeny.

It's our negative traits that give shape to our personalities. Overcoming or learning from them lets us become more complete.

If you are Perfect like Chaos is Perfect, then you're either indistinct from any other Perfect Being, or you're incomplete, which makes it hard to be truly called Perfect.

Shark: The shark is arguably a perfect killing machine. It's fundamental design hasn't shifted in millions of years. It has a niche and it serves its own perfect purpose.

This is the one that I identify the most with. Because it's an attainable Perfection. Where as the Perfection of Chaos requires supernatural assistance I can focus and strive and become Perfect in my niche. I can strive and work and become perfect at what I do. It's something we can grasp at and strive for because it's focused down.

Cog: Regardless of our flaws as long as we serve our purpose within a perfect machine, then we ourselves are also made perfect.

This last one came to my understanding later then the others as I was thinking about some of the different ways Christian denominations look at their relationship with God and how they could achieve the Perfection of Shark. There's a starkness and brutality to the concept of Shark that would not appeal to many I'd think, but the Cog is something more clean.

And it implies forgiveness. The machine is what's perfect so your own imperfections will be purified in it's glory.

At least, those are my answers to the Ultimate Question of Perfection...
1. Jesus can play the banjo like a master. Because he's perfect like Chaos.
2. No. He can't. Cause sharks don't play banjo's.
3. Yes. Because others in the Divine Machine can shore up his lack of Banjo skills.

And that's what I came up with.

Madness

My Nana is currently in hospice. She's deteriorating quickly. Her skin is gently draped over her bones as she scouts around in her wheelchair. She may not last another year. Yet despite all this, I have a very hard time going to visit her. Seeing her like that... well it reminds me that within my genetic potential lies my single greatest fear. The one thing that haunts my nightmares. It's not death. It's not even seeing those I care for being harmed or leaving me. Those are all parts of life that you have to be aware of and come to terms with.

I'm afraid of going insane.

I've always been a little crazy. And not just in the "He so crazy" kinda way. In the diagnosable mental illness kind of way. I've had panic attacks, minor delusions, depressive episodes, and ended up thinking so quickly I felt like my brain was going to burn. I've even lost arguments with myself. And that's something that takes a particular breed of madness to accomplish. I've heard the whispering shadows and had to teach myself through long and terrible practice what is the ravages of a diseased brain and what's intuition.

It's a difficult balance to find. But it's what I have to do. Because there's the option to drug myself into oblivion. Or drink and smoke and snort myself till it all goes away, or becomes so exaggerated that I'm not longer able to care. The thought crosses my mind from time to time. Not with any temptation, but with a certain practical assessment of options.

Many of the people closest and dearest to me have all had their madnesses. My mother has anxiety. My grandfather has OCD such that at one point he was showering upwards of four times a day and had his doctor tell him that he was washing his skin down the drain with all the scrubbing. My grandmother lives in a state of complete delusion. My father is on social security because of his almost crippling depression.

I know madness. I've seen it. Tasted it's grim nectar. I've felt my mind play tricks on me and have before been confused about what's real and what's not.

It's the razor's edge I must walk. In other cultures, in other times, I'd be a shaman. A walker between this world and the other world. But here, and now? I'm a rather exceptional madman. A unique and distinct creature that cannot help but suckle at the tit of insanity. The insight and creativity I gain from this state is profound. I see the world in a completely different way then most others.

But the cost of that... is that I get to worry. I get to wait for the tinkle of glass as my mind breaks. I hope it's as beautiful as I imagine.

Buddhism

Another requested topic!

I've always had a bit of a love affair with Buddhism. It was one of the first things I remember reading that lead me on the path away from Mormonism and ultimately Christianity.

There are many ideas that I came to through that study of Buddhism that stay with me today and are key pillars in my own spiritual understanding. Things that I am radically under qualified to talk about, but this is the internet so here's what I think.

Buddhism and in particular Zen Buddhism will always have a very special place in my heart. One of the first books I read about spirituality was a book on Zen Buddhism. I had only read one other book that questioned what was being said in Sunday school and that was a book on animal totems.

I found it fascinating. I think I read it at least three times. I think I actually read it in the middle of church meetings on a number of occasions. There was a beauty and complex simplicity to the ideas presented. It talked both of the importance of the Self and also of rejecting the Self as the ultimate goal of all meditation and Zen practice. Now I don't know how accurate it was, or even how well I've retained all the data but I remember how deeply I was moved. In that book I found one of the first things that I truly identified with that wasn't part of the Mormon cannon. The idea of Zen meditation. And that with Zen focus, anything and everything could be a meditation.

What a beautiful idea! If I devote all that I am into doing the dishes and work towards that perfect Zen focus it can become as much a ritual as breathing under a waterfall, or chanting mantras in the temple.

There's a simplicity and practicality that made it easy for that belief to become one of my most important ones. But there are others that moved and changed me.

Growing up in the Mormon church can be a difficult thing. Particularly when you deviate from the norm in a place like Utah. Utah is a place that seek homogeny like it is the same thing as Perfection. I bring this up not because I want to talk about Mormonism or Utah, but to allow for a complete understanding of why the thousand Paths to Enlightenment truly stayed with me. In Utah Mormonism, and even more so in the parts where I grew up, there is a firm and unyielding take on the idea of the Iron Rod.

With my understanding as a child, there was only one way to salvation. Only one right choice. As I got older that began to nag at me. The level of logistics require to make sure that everybody got a chance to follow the One Path seemed deeply prohibitive. It seemed as if God had set up millions or billions of people to fail, and I couldn't understand how that could be so. This was also during the time that I was struggling with keeping to the church rules and was tearing myself apart over and over again trying live up to it. It put so much stress and so much strain on me that it was completely unsustainable.

But then I learned of the thousand paths to Enlightenment. It's an idea in Buddhism (once again more a Zen thing) that there is no single correct path.

The Great Way has no gate;

there are a thousand paths to it.
If you pass through the barrier,
you walk the universe alone. -Wu-Men ( The Enlightened Heart, Edited by Stephen Mitchell, p. 46)

When I was a sad young man already feeling like the Iron Rod was going to lead me far from happiness, this came like a shaft of light.

The last of the things I took away from my time studying Buddhism was "The Middle Way". The importance of moderation. There's many different ways to interpret that concept. But here's my take, and it's not a very Buddhist one. Everything has value, and everything can be dangerous. Through diligent moderation and seeking the middle path, the one of compromise, we can sort through and find the best way of going forward. It's not a matter of strictly taking the Middle Path but finding the worth and middle path in everything.

Even for negative emotions, like lust, hate, gluttony, and rage. I view everything as serving some ultimate purpose. Which isn't entirely out of the middle way, but it's the tree that grew from it in my heart.

There is a great deal to talk about with Buddhism. Just like with any truly interesting religion, I haven't even scratched the surface of this. The Four Noble Truths, the Eight Fold Path, all of those and the thousand different sects inside it.

But I think this is a good first outing. 

Apathy

Today is the day that our society has agreed is about spending our resources to show our affections. It's the day where we have our fights, we eat our sweeties, and have a socially required and contractually obligated kiss. Perhaps we even make awkward love with the rest of our geographic area. But despite all that snark I've put into this already, I'm not bitter.

Because to be bitter, you have to care.

And for the first time since I understood what Valentine's meant and the first time as an (arguable) adult, today is just another Thursday. There's no magic that I feel I'm missing out on. There's no fairy tale I feel I'm owed. It's another day. And... that feeling is the most transcendent apathy I have ever felt. It's left an empty space where all that care, concern, loneliness, and obsession has been left to rot over years and years. And today it feels cleaned out.
Fresh.
Unsoiled.
A hole that can be filled in with whatever I want it to.
And today I will fill it with the beauty of Thursday. I will treat it as my first and most glorious Discordian Holy Day. For it is the very fact that today is without meaning, that gives it the most beautiful and glorious meaning.

But anyway. I'm sure you're reading this for my thoughts on Apathy. As it's the title and all.

Apathy is another of those things that is lumped in with the worst of humanity. And generally speaking, I think that it is rightly so. A great deal of the suffering in the world boils down to people's inability for an empathic connection or understanding with people they have not met. The bonds of human kind should be enough to have us all take care of and love one another. They really should.

But they aren't.

And as horrible as this may sound, I don't think they should be. Because caring for all of the billions and billions of human beings on this ball bouncing though an uncaring cosmos is too much. Add all the other animals and you're moving into the realms of madness. Caring for everyone as you do yourself is something only a Christ or a divine Mother Goddess could do.

And frankly, I am nether of those things. (I know. Total shocker. You'd think since I look so good in a dress... but nope. Nether of those things.)

I don't feel nothing when I hear of atrocities or the suffering of people far away. I just don't feel that much. It's usually over in a flash. Because I've trained myself to use my Apathy as a form of protection. I know that I'm immensely sensitive and feel things in deep and profound ways. So I have to be careful about what I allow myself to care about. So I pick and choose. I make the horrible decision that many others fear and I decide who I can care about and who I can't.

Now not caring doesn't mean malevolence. I don't wish ill on people. I don't wish suffering upon them. To want bad things to happen itself implies that you care. And I only have so much give a shit.

So when it comes down to it, I only take the energy to care about what I can actually make a difference in. I'm working to devote my life to special needs pre-schoolers in at risk populations. I've supported and helped out every person I can even when all I could do was offer them a shoulder and ear.

I am not an apathetic person. But I can see why it's important. Why we haven't breed it out of ourselves just as of yet.

Maintenance

((I might be going a little Woo Weee Woo for some with this one, so feel free to check out. No hard feelings.))

It's one of those things that you always seem to forget. Change your oil. Have your teeth cleaned. Yearly check up. Those physical things that are deeply important to maintaining our lives and the world around us. Things we have to do but forget because they aren't an emergency. But there's other types of maintenance that we regularly forget about. Namely Mental maintenance, and Spiritual maintenance.

Now these shouldn't be things that consume up all your time any more then changing your oil will. And there's a lot of simple things you can do regardless of your view on any of the New Age Hippy Bullshit. Just cause many times it's presented in an unpalatable form doesn't mean it's a bad idea. But there are simple things you can do to keep yourself a spiritually and mentally happy and healthy individual.

For me it's all about striking a balance. I have many parts of my life that are very important and I only realize how important they are once I forget to do anything about it. Writing, Video Games, Table Top Roleplaying Games, Acting, and Energy work.

Those things are all things I need in my life to feel healthy and complete as a person. But the one I find by far the most important is to keep an awareness of my energy body. Because through analysis of that you can find out damn near whatever it is that's metaphysically wrong.

I've had dear friends of mine talk about how impressive my level of self awareness is. I believe that directly translates from my energetic awareness. I can spend some time sitting quietly and sorting through all the stuff inside, all the stuff that I'm radiating and look for all the rough patches. The places that don't quite mess up with the rest.

Now sometimes those rough patches serve a purpose. They create conflict that translates into usable energy. Like my relationship with anger. It's not something that I'm proud of about myself, but it's something that I've learned to use because it's too deeply ingrained for me to just smooth out. I incorporated it into a part of the machine.

Now for those who have trouble with that level of self understand, or sensing their spirit body (as it were) here's a little trick I learned years ago, a meditative cheat code as it were.

Close your eyes. Sit comfortably. And think. Now I know a lot of folks say that thinking is the opposite of what you want to do. You want to find that Zen Void Mind state.

But here's the thing... the Void Mind is a pain in the ass to achieve.

So I found a cheat. Indulge the Chaos Mind. Think of everything and let it was over you. Bounce off the ideas and see where it takes you. Eventually if you keep doing this, your brain gets tired and will naturally settle into a meditative state. Or at least mine does.

And I think that's the most important thing to remember when seeking to do this kind of spiritual or mental maintenance. What works for one person will not work for another. I knew of a number of Philosophy professors who would unhinge and relax their brains by watching Walker Texas Ranger or professional wrestling. Because when they were deeply exercising they're minds all day it was important to let them have a chance to unclench with something that is at its best when you don't have to think to hard.

Hell it's why I watch so many cartoons.

But to get back to my point, it's important to find what works for you in particular. We're all unique. Or at least unique enough were there's no hard rules.

Sometimes the thing that will grant me spiritual balance and mental tension release is a round of digital carnage followed with some face melting metal music.

And that isn't the norm.

But it's part of the maintenance I need to keeping being me.

Solipsism

This was the very first request I received for a topic.

To boil it into the most oversimplified and basic words, Solipsism says that the only thing we can know for certain exist is our own minds.

If everything must be filtered through our minds from our senses then we have no means of corroborating any piece of data. Because there is no way to know that our sense are not lying to us. It's in interesting idea, and has some merit as a thought experiment perhaps. And leaning towards the deep end of the pool when it comes to thoughts that get hard to track.

When talking about Solipsism with a dear friend of mine he mentioned a quote he attributed to a fictional orangutan librarian. "If you can't trust your own senses, then whose can you trust?"

To put it another way, what if you're crazy? Not just I feel sad or see spirits crazy, but proper "a cabal of Giraffes from each of America's Zoos are running the new world order in order to make sure that there are no leaves and some animals will die" crazy. What then? If you can't trust your own mind then how can you know anything at all?

It's the problem that I see with the idea. Given the parameters there's no way to prove anything. At it's most logical extreme nothing really matters cause it's all in your head anyway. You can't confirm anything. Once you start doubting reality there's no way to stop it. There comes a point when you have to draw a line in the sand and say, this is real. It has to be.

Now there is something to be said about not knowing the mind of another. I mean, we broadcast our inner most thoughts many different ways. Body language, pheromones, pitch and tone of voice, energetic vibrations, intuition, Twitter, Facebook, sharpies on the forehead, there's too many to count if you stop after seven.

But the thing is that if you get enough different points of perspective all saying the same thing, they don't all have to be completely reliable.

There's a poem I'm reminded of. One that illustrates the point I want to make quite well.  The Blind Men and the Elephant. Between the six of them they all build a quite vivid picture of what an elephant looks like.

You can't always trust your perceptions. Drugs, madness, and your position on the elephant will all change what your own perceptions tell you. However if you get enough people around the elephant and all talk about what they perceive you can get an idea of what actually is.

Relying on enough outside perspectives and you can do two things:

1. You can figure out what's real within a reasonable doubt.
2. You can dodge some of the extreme ego-centrism that this philosophical construct can encourage.

I mean, if it's not real, then why are we wasting time paying bills?

Patriotism

What I have to say will likely offend. I do not mean it offensively (mostly), but I grow so tired of the way we are talking about our problems. I may lose readers over this. And I may even lose friends. But I have to be true to my convictions and write from my heart and with my innate capacity for reason.

I'll begin with the point that has been wearing at me for weeks now.

*clear throat*

If you are hoarding weapons to protect yourself from, or rise up against the government, you are NOT a Patriot. You could make a compelling argument for being a rebel or a revolutionary. Niether of which is a bad thing. But by the very definition of the word, you can not be a Patriot.

The other day after having been annoyed by and argued with a number of people over this point I decided to sit down and read 12-14 dictionaries. All looking up the same word. And with the exception of one (and of course Urban Dictionary which does not count) they all said the same thing. Either a kind of surface to air missile or one who loves his country and supports its interests.

Now in America we seem to see the idea of Patriotism differently because we started off rising up against the government. That line of rebellious acts have lasted our entire history and in this modern era manifests with our distaste at the direction of our government. But we have the problem of being told from the time we are very very young that we live in the "Best Country in the World". We're told it so often and for so long that we are compelled to believe it. Though I couldn't tell you who is with any certainty I know that it's not us at the moment. We're so ideologically divided and wrapped up in our own since of rebellion and self importance that our true greatness has slipped by unnoticed.

Now, I wouldn't want to live anywhere else at the moment. Simply because the way my life and health are currently I honestly couldn't live anywhere else. I'm not in love with my country the way so many profess to be, but I don't have enough against it to arm myself against the tyrannies I perceive, be they real or imagined, I'm not here to judge, I lack the data (and desire to find the data) to do so.

There seems to me to be a growing movement in a number of social and internet circles that can only be described as "The Cult of America". It seems to believe that America is and will forever be a bastion of hope in a savage and tyrannical world, and that the influence of the outside world is what's to blame for the fall from grace. "If we would just go back to the Constitution" they say, "Then this will all sort itself out". The Founding Fathers were like prophets channelling the power of the divine into the perfect union created by the Constitution.

Though I think that the founders of the country were unarguable smart men, and arguable wise men, I don't think they were as good at a perfect government as we seem to want to believe. If they were confident in their abilities as "Founding Fathers" then they probably wouldn't have worked in a means of changing it.

I completely agree that we've gone far from the ideals set down by the Framers. But that's generally the nature of Ideals. In the real world it's almost impossible to hold them indefinitely. Particularly when the world they were written for and the world that currently exists are so different from each other that we would have a hard time speaking the same language let alone agreeing on what makes a good government.

Now I agree that what is going on right now is not okay. The liberties we're losing and the things that our government is doing are not things I can support as an ethical and moral human being. However I don't think that our answer lies completely in the past. There are some really good ideas in the Constitution, but it's not the end all be all perfect government. How can I say this? Cause what's in there led us to the point we are at now.

It is the seed from which our current government was grown.

And yes in this metaphor we could return to the seed and try and grow it differently. But we're going to run into the same problem again. It is a document from another age. Making it work in the modern era is a truly monumental task. Because in a lot of ways the strangeness that is modern Washington is our attempt to reconcile the modern world with these good ideas from a bygone era.

Now, I'll never be the one to say I have the answers, particularly when I'm lacking the data, but I would imagine a better way to go would be to strip it for parts. Take all the good ideas and make them truly work in the modern age. We wouldn't have to devote thousands of hours and millions of dollars trying to "interpret what the Framer's intention was" like it's "Hills Like White Elephants" in freshmen English. We could write it in clear modern language. We could incorporate things things like the internet and television. We could create a modern Constitution for a Modern World.

I know it's not going to happen. But a man can dream can't he?

Parables

(Or why Doctor Who is my Religion)

There is a great power in a story. A specific kind of power that seems to exist nowhere else. All of the great prophets and philosophers (well the good ones at least) realized that there is no better way to illustrate the point you're trying to make than with a good engaging story.

Stories engage a different part of the mind than facts. They engage our emotions and sink deeper into us than the same information thrown at us as facts. An interesting fact will engage our minds, but a story? That will touch our very souls.

That's why we keep telling them. Sometimes the same stories a thousand times. There's a reason that Jesus spoke in Parables. They give a clear message when all the rest of the world is confusing and conflicted. They give us blacks and whites when all we can see is grey. It's the point of a parable.

The other great strength of a story is that we become so deeply attached to our stories. A good story becomes more then just words. They become friends that we care deeply about. We have passionate arguments about the minutia contained within. And sometimes we want so desperately for the world to make as much sense as our stories that we decide that it does.

It's the answer to the question of why intelligent people can be suckered in. By con men, by quackish religions (not all are quackish just some) and dangerous cults. And that's the thing. We want that parable. We want that story.

I think that's why we're starting to see scientific thought finally over take the old religious ones. Science is finally starting to give us things that we can tell stories about. Our technologies are catching up to the fiction.

Which is enough of a segue to talk about the subtitle of this post.

My family's religion, is Dr. Who.

Now not everyone I'm related to, but the ones in my direct family. Twice a year, once in Sept and once at Christmas we sit together as a family and have what is, to me at least, a religious experience. Because in the Doctor we are presented with a God-like force for good in the universe but one that avoids the problem of Evil, and is not bound by the tyranny of Facts. I can watch the Doctor and learn from the lessons presented, simple lessons about perseverance and doing what's right not what's easy. I don't need to worry about if the Timelords are real. I'm not weighted down with the burden of proof. I can just ponder... What would the Doctor do? And let this parable help me sort through my best choice of action.

I can let the story tell me the right thing to do.

Objectivism

Now for starters my understanding of objectivist theory stems almost entirely from videogames. Two beautiful games in their own rights and ones I highly suggest anyone track down to try it. I mean I've read more about them since then, but honestly these two really hit in on the head.

 One directly in the form of "Bioshock" which shows the potential horrors unhindered Objectivism can create. And one much more esoterically in the original X-Box game "Jade Empire" which I realized (only recently) explains all the potential good I can see in Objectivism.

We'll start with the negative.

Bioshock thrusts you into Rapture. A city at the bottom of the sea which honestly acts as a beautiful example of what a videogame can do. It's also a beautiful and somewhat over the top example of anti-Objectivist propaganda if you're looking for it. In the game they show the most extreme examples of Objectivism gone wrong.

There is a moment where Andrew Ryan (the Antagonist and Symbol of Objectivism gone wrong) Decides to kill the trees, the only source of oxygen in the city, due to a viral copyright violation. It's an extreme version of what Objectivism teaches though it's echoed in Atlas Shrugged (which I haven't read yet) with the Protagonists there burning all they had built in order to keep if from the "Parasites".

"It's mine to do with as I please." Now I believe that people should be allowed to do what they want. However... there's a caveat that I repeat many if not most times. Don't be a dick about it. If you are making millions of dollars in pure profit and there are children starving within the limits of your city, territory, township, or state, then you're being an asshole about it. If you're taking the meat off the plate of somebody else so that you can have more gravy... that's a dick move. I'm not sorry to say it. I believe that people should be compensated for their work. You should be able to do what you want with what is yours... to an extent. Moderation and all that.

Now Bioshock shows us the evil that can very well exist deep within this ideal. And it's not pretty. Selfishness never is. And that's the major problem that I have with Objectivist theory, it allows selfish, self absorbed wastes of skin to justify preying on the weak.

Which brings me to my next point, and my next game.

"Jade Empire"

Bioware game. Has the trademark bioware over simplified morality system. "Do you run down the nuns with a bus, or give treats to the orphans?" But this one, this one does a much better job of creating an interesting and dynamic philosophical framework. It's still possible to be lazily evil or boringly good. (The game also contains one of the most hauntingly beautiful images I have ever seen in the form of what happens to the Water Dragon.)

They divide into "The Way of the Open Palm" the altruistic save the puppies option, and "The Way of the Closed Fist" the drown the elderly option. Now at first glance it's just Mr. White's opinion of ancient Chinese morality boiled down into palatable opposites.

Until you get deeper into the game. There is a quest, only accessible if you are sufficiently down the path of the Closed Fist where you meet and talk with a spirit of a philosopher who followed this selfish path.

He speaks of levels of understanding, and offers this parable to illustrate the point. (Paraphrased)

A man has his wagon stuck in the mud on the side of the road.

An adherent of the Way of the Open Palm wanders by and helps him get the wagon back on the road.

A follower of the Closed Fist will walk on by because she can't be bothered, there's nothing in it for them.

But someone with a deep understanding of the Way of the Closed Fist, they will still walk by. But they will do that out of the understanding that the man with the wagon needs to be strong enough to do it on his own. To help him is to deny him the lesson and the chance to become strong.

That message in the videogame has always remained with me. It hit me at a time when I was shaping my philosophies and made me look at what it is that I believe.

But it also lets me think of Objectivism in a new light. Cause there is a deeper understanding to be found of the philosophy, like so many things in this world there is worth to found in it's understanding. Getting the recognition and not being bothered over things that are nobody else's business or your own property. Those are not bad ideas. Though like every idea they can taken to horrible extremes.

What I propose, and its something that I think I've always believed, is the idea of Benevolent Selfishness.

Selfishness is not, and cannot be, a virtue. In the same way that Gluttony, Lust, and Wrath cannot be virtues. But that being said, they are aspects of our personalities that we should not be ashamed of. We must acknowledge that they are destructive forces, and learn to use them to our advantage.

I believe that true altruism is at best an unattainable ideal and at worst a fallacy. But that doesn't mean that is anathema or the idea is to be something mocked. Cause creating a better world for others is a truly beautiful idea. One that I find myself striving towards with all my heart. I mean I want to devote my life to at risk special needs kindergarteners. You don't make that combination of adjectives your career choice if you're anti-altruism. But altruism is a difficult thing for most. It could be argued by people smarter than me that it's an unnatural construct. I don't disagree or agree. That on is above my paygrade.

What I want to do is propose a compromise. (I'm fond of those) That would allow us to be completely selfish and also work towards the common good. And all it requires is a very simple concession on everybody's part.

Admit we're all interconnected. By our genes. By our technology. By our environment. By our governments. By our religions. By our very proximity. We are interconnected to a staggering degree.

So I'm not asking us to be altruistic. I'm asking you to be selfish.

Selfishly educate our children. So that we don't have to deal with idiots.
Selfishly eradicate poverty so that peoples needs are met enough that we don't have worry about having our things taken.
Selfishly create new and enduring infrastructures so that every person can make use of beautiful parks and natural sites.
Selfishly create new technologies that better the lives of all mankind. Cause we are ALL part of mankind.

Cause if you improve the world you live in, the world you live in improves.

Which means it better... just so we're clear.

((If this creates a discussion on the blog I welcome it. However this is one of those sensitive subjects that can easily end in flames. Keep the discussion civil and on topic. If you don't think you can. Then don't participate.))

Darkness

When I was little I was terrified of the dark. I slept with the door cracked and a hallway light on until I was almost in junior high. I could feel things in the dark. Though in retrospect I could feel them in the light as well. But regardless the point is that I was afraid of the dark.

This (like so many things from childhood) is no longer the case. Between a series of energy and mediative techniques I was taught and taught myself, and the understanding that came with growing up. Physical darkness doesn't frighten me at all anymore. The simple absence of light is just that. Light's absence.

In fact there came a time when (and it still comes and goes) I felt more comfortable in the dark then in the light. I have pretty good night vision and tend to memorize where things are in space well enough that many times I can make entire journeys across the house in the most minimal of illumination.

So I have a different relationship with Darkness than many others.

A few years ago I went to a weekend long workshop with a Peruvian shaman. It was a fascinating and deeply moving experience. Perhaps someday I'll go into what it was like. Today though, I'll talk about something that happened there. When the spirits gave me a Name.

Now, the existence or non-existence of the Spirit world is not something I'm going to talk about here. For the sake of this argument, the ether spoke to me. And they gave me a new name. "The Walker In Shadow". Shortly after I was given the name I mentioned it to a dear friend of mine at the time. She said it sounded like the name of a lame goth band.

Glad to know the invisible has the same taste as teens with black nail polish.

But after that experience I took a great deal of time pondering the meaning of that name. What it meant about me. Now I generally believe that Shadow and Darkness are different concepts. Shadow is the barrier between Light and Dark. It is as much defined by Illumination as it is by its lack.

To walk in the Shadows is to look into the face of fear. To turn its powers to the service of harmony. To recognize the worth in the dark places. To irk out the secrets of the shade. That is what I do. That is where I believe. In the between places. Not quite the Dark. Not quite the Light.

I am the Walker In Shadow. Walking all the edge of the razor... so that others don't have to.

And I discovered something.

The Light shows up Truth.

But the Dark gives us Comfort.

You don't sleep under a spotlight. It'd drive you insane. Millions of years of the cycle of day and night has made it part of our ultimate existence. The night is full of dangers. Things that we can't see become so much more powerful as we give them the strength of our fear.

But away from the harsh light of day we can pretend. We can let our Dreams come and play their fragile games across the insides of our eyes. We can rest.

My Dark Lady,
My dearest Night,
Wrap me in soft embrace
And let me forget
My pain
My worry
All the weights of the world around
For the Sun comes soon
And burns away all small comforts
All tender lies
And drives me from your arms.

Secrets

We each carry secrets.

Feelings that we're afraid to let see the light.

Masks we wear but are ashamed that we do.

Or sometimes the things under our masks are that which we cannot share. The secrets tattooed on our hearts.

I don't have many. But I have a few. Thoughts that have crossed my mind. Momentary desires that dance across a tired brain. Is it okay? It is alright to hide things from the harsh light of an uncaring world? Maybe. But regardless, we must. In our very existence there are things that must be our alone.

The heart of the matter. There are things that we keep beneath the protection of our skin. The color of your lungs in the light is something that very few people should ever see. There are some aspects of our personalities that are the very same. They are integral to who we are. They are important parts of how we function, think, and love. But that doesn't mean we should be pulling them out and letting them flop around under the light of an uncaring Sun.

Sometimes it's best if we keep our secrets to ourselves.