Perceptions

As much as this is a blog, as you gentle reader are in fact reading it, this is much more a journal. Not of the various details of my day to day life, as that would be quite boring and make me sound even more self-absorbed than I fear this blog already makes me, but of my thoughts, and sometimes even my feelings. Feelings which despite my best efforts, I still have. Ones that sincerely seem to cause more problems than they solve in my life. But this isn't about my one man war against my own capacity to feel things. No. This is about perception. And how it can vary so wildly from reality.

I have, it has been argued, an over concern with romantic entanglement. I am coming to terms with that. But in that coming to terms with it, it has lead me to a point of interest. Depending on which side of thing you are seeing, your belief in what it is will wildly vary.

There's an old story. The one about four (or three or five depending on the telling) blind men and an elephant. Each man comes at the creature from a different angle and finds different things. The one touching the leg declares it a tree. The one touching the side declares it an albeit fleshy wall. The tail is a rope and the truck is a snake. It's a really good little story to illustrate how our perspectives can shape perceptions and therefore our assumptions.

Now I strive to understand. As I talked about in my post on Entireties. I strive to understand everything and that includes myself. So when somebody tells me something about me that I hadn't considered, or looks at my actions through a lens I hadn't I take it all the more seriously. Because to know yourself and your own limitations and perspectives is to be able to make yourself the best person you can possibly be.

This whole line of reasoning came up when somebody told me that I came off as desperate. Linking back to the over concern with romantic entanglement. That I was showing "interest" in so many people that it never allowed any of them to feel special. And so saying it out loud was cheapening it, and making me seem to want it enough that it was creepy.

I can't deny it. One of the things that I want more than anything else is a good match with a romantic partner. And someday, I can't emphasize this enough, Someday, to be a father. And there's a certain amount of hunger associated with the idea. But at least in my mind this talk of desperation doesn't fill mesh with the reality.

On paper it must be right. By the standards of the community I should be desperate. I should be shaking down trees trying to find a "bride" and "mother for my childrens". I'm a white male living in his parents basement who plays Dungeons and Dragons regularly and watches cartoons. I've not travelled out side of the country except once for about an hour going into Mexico. I'm prone to powerful (sometimes nonsensical) attractions and gains a beautifully bittersweet joy around children. These could all add up to a compelling argument for desperation.

But I don't think of myself or in fact feel desperate. My seeing everyone as special is in fact an honest and sincere attempt at trying to see the good and unique datapoints within everyone I met. I want to get to know everyone (or at least most people) well enough to say that I truly know them. Well enough that I could not be surprised by their actions. Having a basic understanding of the fundamentals of character.  If you couple this with my current inability to be anything but awkward around persons I find attractive and yes... I can see where the perception comes from.

And eventually I hope to change it. But that's probably going to take counseling and a serious rebuilding of my confidence. Because there's just enough truth in these perceptions that means it's something I need to work on.

Or at the very lest something to consider in my next character rebuild.