Attraction

This is something that should always be simple, but never really is. At least in my experience. I've always had difficultly when dealing with attraction. When I was younger I had a severe phobia of girls. I was socially awkward and possessed of a really powerful desire for romantic entanglement. For some reason as a child I put a great deal of emotional and psychological importance with the idea of romantic entanglement.

I went over my thoughts (and various pains) regarding Love months ago, but attraction is something different. To put it in it's most primal phrasing this is a matter of lust. The quick and powerful magnetic draw to another person.

It's something that is so much more then just visual aesthetics. A pretty face or shapely form can draw the eye but attraction taps into something chemical, something profound and sometimes nonsensical. They creep into your thoughts without rhyme or reason and despite your most valiant efforts they build a little home there. Their scent burns itself into your mind and because a new and exciting mode of thought. There is a potential for anything to happen with that kind of strong attraction.

Usually anyway. If that magnetism is mutual, it becomes something profound and magical. It's those first amazing steps towards something truly special. Or sometimes it will remain a delicate and delightful fantasy. Something to play the what if game too.

Now I'm fully aware that this next bit is going to self-indulgent. But it's a personal blog. So what the hell else were you expecting?

I meet people sometimes. Lady people. And when I'm near them I feel an electricity that I can't fully describe. They tiptoe across my thoughts enough that I feel the need to fight against it. Because I'm aware of how it can look. I've spent much of my life being a little off, a little weird. And that puts people on edge. Unless there is a significant reason to overlook that or somebody they trust to vouch for me, I seem to give off the "lock you in the basement vibe". I don't mean to or try to, but there it is.

I've always said that I have a fungal charm. It takes time for my worth and charms to come out. But in our microwave, youtube world that's not really enough. We dont' trust people and the only ones who are generally willing to trust that sort of primal attraction are those that are a little off, or a little scary.

Which leaves me waving my "freak flag" as it were. Though I'd rather is just have a little bit of reciprocation. I just want to be comfortable with myself and that seems to me that I'm not freaky enough for the freaks but so far from the passable that I'm pretty well blown off by both sides. Leaves me in the horrible postion of striving for or pining after folk that have no interest, or being pursued by those that I don't really feel anything significant for.

It's not a pleasant place, I wish I could change it. But to tie it back to my earlier ramblings it's a chemical process. A point of biology that can't really be easily modified. But such is the way of life is it not? Magnets and chemicals... and trying to fill in the blanks with whatever psychological fixes we can find.

Puppets of Meat and Bone chasing forever after the scents of our desires.