I sent a letter. More specifically an email. I sent this simple form letter of an email to the Membership Records department of the LDS Church and asked that my name be removed from the records. It's been a long time coming. I've known that I wanted since about half way through college. I've sat and thought through all the potential issues that will likely come up. All the consequences that could feasibly effect me. The only thing that has stopped me has been the potential for family backlash.
Not from my immediate family mind you. They've been exceptionally supportive. My father's slow shift to agnosticism coupled with my mothers embrace of a sectarian humanitarian mystic philosophy makes it easier for me. On top of that they have really gone out of their way to let me be my own man. And that is perhaps the single thing am I am the most thankful for. My brothers are in the same boat though arguable less further down the river than me, so nether of them will blame me. In fact I can't think of a single person that knows me that would give me any significant guff over it.
So why did I wait so very long? Because of how it would effect my family.
I realize that this probably doesn't make much sense. However it has to be know that my mother's father is a sadist. I mean this not to defame his character but in order to explain my reasoning. My grandfather delights in belittling and making himself seem better then other people. As he got older he moved further and further into the fringes of conspiracy and insanity because the feeling that he knew something that others were just too blind to see.
It's not something that most people who knew him would catch on to. He is arguable the most charming man I have ever known. And it's perhaps his influence that has lead me to never assume that being charming makes you a good person. On many personal occasions I'd had discussion about my thoughts dreams and interests and he would simply, but brutally, dash them to bits if they weren't what he wanted or expected. Though he only rarely showed it, there was a delight he took in making people uncomfortable, in making them feel smaller then him. Though I don't think he inflicted physical pain all that often, he certainly delighted in emotional pain. It's the only way I can explain his behavior, and more importantly the distinct uncomfort I have felt around him for years.
Because I did not fully understand the process that I was instigating with my letter I held back. I worried that my grandparents would be told and that my grandfather would use it as ammunition to emotionally damage my mother. I could honestly care less if he broached the subject with me. I am firm in my convictions and have given more thought to my leaving then many give to their conversions and almost all give to their remaining. There is no reasoning, guilt, or leverage used against me that will affect me.
But he wouldn't target me. He'd use it against my mother, and there are few things in this world that more infuriate me then other people be held responsible for my actions, and the other way round. Do NOT blame me for what somebody else did to you.
Hell those lines of logic is why every time somebody talks about the Jews killing Jesus I want to punch them in their mouths. Roman hammers, roman nails, on Roman orders... but it was the Jews. But that is a post for another day.
But anyway, I talked to my mother about it and she gave me the go ahead. So I did.
And that's what I have to say today.
I realize that this probably doesn't make much sense. However it has to be know that my mother's father is a sadist. I mean this not to defame his character but in order to explain my reasoning. My grandfather delights in belittling and making himself seem better then other people. As he got older he moved further and further into the fringes of conspiracy and insanity because the feeling that he knew something that others were just too blind to see.
It's not something that most people who knew him would catch on to. He is arguable the most charming man I have ever known. And it's perhaps his influence that has lead me to never assume that being charming makes you a good person. On many personal occasions I'd had discussion about my thoughts dreams and interests and he would simply, but brutally, dash them to bits if they weren't what he wanted or expected. Though he only rarely showed it, there was a delight he took in making people uncomfortable, in making them feel smaller then him. Though I don't think he inflicted physical pain all that often, he certainly delighted in emotional pain. It's the only way I can explain his behavior, and more importantly the distinct uncomfort I have felt around him for years.
Because I did not fully understand the process that I was instigating with my letter I held back. I worried that my grandparents would be told and that my grandfather would use it as ammunition to emotionally damage my mother. I could honestly care less if he broached the subject with me. I am firm in my convictions and have given more thought to my leaving then many give to their conversions and almost all give to their remaining. There is no reasoning, guilt, or leverage used against me that will affect me.
But he wouldn't target me. He'd use it against my mother, and there are few things in this world that more infuriate me then other people be held responsible for my actions, and the other way round. Do NOT blame me for what somebody else did to you.
Hell those lines of logic is why every time somebody talks about the Jews killing Jesus I want to punch them in their mouths. Roman hammers, roman nails, on Roman orders... but it was the Jews. But that is a post for another day.
But anyway, I talked to my mother about it and she gave me the go ahead. So I did.
And that's what I have to say today.
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