Mental Chaos

As some of you may have noticed, I'm something of a chaotic individual. Chaotic but really quite predictable once you get to know me. However I have been told on many different occasions and with many different combinations of words that this chaos is of my own make. That I can control. Which of course leaves the unspoken implication that it is entirely my choice and that if I was merely, diligent/good/willful enough that this chaos in my life would magically disappear.

"You could be a gentleman if you just chose to."
"You are in control of your life. It's just the way you're looking at."
"You control the chaos man. The only roadblock to your success is you."

You know what are also roadblocks? Actual roadblocks.

There are a thousand quotes likes this. Pretty words about the limitations being only in the mind. Which is an attitude that I can really get behind. However, I think it's much more complicated than that. I'd perhaps reword it like this, "Limits are in your mind, and sometimes in your circumstances."

In order to understand my resistance towards towards what others would simply call self control you must first understand the three components to my nature. Because it is in maintaining the balance of these three that all my actions are explained. It also helps to explain by what I mean when I say things like being a force of nature, and of not always having choice in my actions. Because I firmly believe that you always have a choice. However, there comes a point when the consequences mean there is only one right choice.

I have dubbed these three components, The Magical Child, The Wise Man, and the Beast of Salt and Fire. Now there may actually be more but for the purposes of understanding my choices towards barbarism and chaos they are the most significant.

The Magical Child, is the part of me that tends to most commonly endear me to strangers. It's the fun part. The clever oversimplifications, the pithy comments, the exuberance around new experiences. This is what the magical child does. In many ways it's the part of me that makes me charming, and makes me easy to love.

The Wise Man, is sort of self explanatory, it's my wisdom beyond my years. My understand and my capacity to understand. Any person I met within a little while of knowing them I can tell almost exactly why they are loved and why they are hated. It's the the drive to understand and know the great secrets. Both of the universe and in the heart of the person I'm talking to.

Then there is the Beast of Salt and Fire. Most of those that I have been intimately linked to I have talked to about this aspect. It is what drives me towards destructive behavior. Rarely self-destructive, and never cruel as far as I can help it. I have little tolerance for cruelty. And I would not call myself a sadist, however there is a true simple and transcendant joy I find in destruction. Watching peoples preconceptions burn away with a well placed joke or an astute observation is a pleasure unlike any other. Building up the block tower simply for the pure happiness it brings with it's fall... That is the Beast. There was a time when I feared it. When I would fight against it and lead myself down darker paths.

Because you see, the real problem with all this is that each of these is a part of me, and in trying to find a balance in those three sides almost all of my actions are predefined. I have on many occasions talked about my seeming lack of choice in certain matters. And yes, I could choose to ignore them. I could shunt the negative parts of me to the side and not give them food to grow on. I could. Because I have. And that's when I learned something. That's when I found the secret.

My life was defined by the battle with myself. The Beast in particular as it was all that I hated about myself, but it happened with all three on different occasions. I fought with John Belliston so hard and so long. Then something would break. Because despite what many teach there is a limit to will, as there is a limit to your physical strength. And then I would do something I would regret.

So I looked at my options. Did I continue on fighting and striving a battle against myself? Have it sap me of strength and define me as person? Or did I seek to find a balance?

I have strayed quite far from where this post began, but I feel that this is something that needs to be said. You cannot fathom what it is like to have to fight me for every action. My mind is as much a battlefield as anything else, and my option was to be consumed by the Chaos... or make it into my ally.

I suspect you can guess what I chose.