The burning flame. The Cockroach eternal. The bubbling cauldron that strips the flesh from despair and cooks it into the grim broth that nourishes the spirit long after all other sources have failed. Beyond logic, beyond reason, beyond resources, hope will keep us going.
At it's best is the beacon of light against a dark and terrible world. At it's worst it is the twisted carrot that drives us deeper into madness. It lets us wallow and gives us an excuse for not moving forward. Because many times reality cannot live up to the glorious creations of the mind that our hope empowers us to strive for. We say we're waiting, that we're just looking for the right time. And sometimes it's true.
But sometimes it's cause we're too afraid of it not coming to pass. Sometimes it's because we don't want to deal with the grim reality that dances a tango of razors across our fragile dreams. Dreams are a comfort that we have some small control over. And hope is what gives them power.
When we are in our darkest times it's the hope for the better that can pull us out of the hole and back into the light. But the comfort we find in hope can just so easily turn toxic, created unrealistic expectations and lead us down the path to ruin.
I say all this because I'm prone to the worst kind of hope. The pillar of Promethian fire that promises to transform the world into something new and profound. But like all fire, if I rely on it too much, or if I don't tend it the right way, I'll get burned. Or even worse... I'll lose it.
I hate hope. I have spilled more tears and screamed more silent screams in the name of hope then I have anything else. A lot of that I fully acknowledge is due to what I'm usually hopeful about.
I hope to be loved, in the same way that I love.
I hope to have a family to call my own, and not one that I borrow for a few precious moments before reality slams down hard.
I hope to be successful, and to not have to devote my life to worrying about where the next scrap of green paper is coming from.
Though there is a hope that I hold so dearly that I cannot pry it from my heart. Its tendrils travel so deep that to pry it away is to sacrifice my life itself. It's one that I know many others also feel but this is one that truly defines me. What I want more than anything, what I hope for with the intensity of a starving child...
Is to belong.
Not to just be accepted. Not to just be tolerated. But to be able to throw ALL that I am into a community that needs and wants me there. A place where I can wear all the masks I have without worry about the consequences.
Sadly I don't think that place exists. But like every other fool looking up at the stars... I'll just keep hoping.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Equality
If you couldn't have guessed, this one is about the gay marriage.
I recently discovered that I am in fact quite passionate about this issue. It took me entirely be surprise. And the catalyst for this sudden burning passion is the arguments against it. Or to put it much more accurately, the complete lack of arguments against it. There is no compelling case against it. There is no logic that can be backed by anything quantifiable.
There is no research to support the idea that gays marrying will do anything more than having an increase in married gays. There is nothing wrong with having more committed relationships. There is nothing wrong with having children raised by homosexual couples. As long as they create a stable living arrangement for the children to live within who give two flying shits about the manner in which their genitals interlock.
There are some accurate statements. Same sex couples do not produce babies. That is a point we will concede. But you know what the one thing that we have in a comfortable excess? Children without stable homes. Hundreds of thousands of children are without caretakers. They sit and wait for there to be more loving, stable homes that do not come. If we can do anything to give them homes that will love them, we as moral and ethical people should do whatever it takes to let these children have homes with the resources to care for them.
There are no accidental or unwanted children when you can't have your own. That's one of those safe guards put into the system itself. They won't allow just anyone to adopt. Which makes it a much better safeguard against bad situations than heterosexual couples as far as I'm concerned.
The one that is used the most these days, is the religious argument. Which when you're talking about a legal and civil matter is utterly meaningless. Your God has no place in the formation of laws. My Gods have no place in the creation of laws. They can inspire us and give us small guidance and comfort but law should be based in what's best for the most number of people, while avoiding tyranny both of the majority and the tyrant. They shouldn't be based on rules and moral systems for a completely different world.
The world lives and changes. We recognize that there are different rules for our children than there were for our parents. It is a completely different world out there. If your God created the universe then he would have to understand that. And hell Mormonism even admits that with the idea of a living prophet. But those that currently hold that seat are from a completely different world than the one we live in and should have no more say in this then their individual vote.
Now, what I'm about to say will offend, and at this point, I don't care. If your God created the universe and all that inhabit it. That means that he made people predisposed to same sex attraction and all of the physical and genetic markers that that would entail. So following this logic, God would know you're gay. He made you. If He's all knowing then he's aware of your preference. He gave that gift. And He believes that sex outside of marriage is the most horrible of sins.
So he has created a class of people who he has knowingly and willingly damned. Because that attraction is innate to them, and they have no means of fulfilling it without falling to sin. I can think of fewer more painful hells than being trapped in an endless battle with your own flesh. That may just be me, but that doesn't sound like the actions of a kind deity.
The argument against gay marriage is at best a handle with no sword. It's comfortable to the hand and the scabbard is pretty to look upon, but once it's drawn out there's nothing to it. It's myth and bluster.
And I deal in myth, bluster, and the grand shell game of the Gods. So don't pretend you can fool me.
I recently discovered that I am in fact quite passionate about this issue. It took me entirely be surprise. And the catalyst for this sudden burning passion is the arguments against it. Or to put it much more accurately, the complete lack of arguments against it. There is no compelling case against it. There is no logic that can be backed by anything quantifiable.
There is no research to support the idea that gays marrying will do anything more than having an increase in married gays. There is nothing wrong with having more committed relationships. There is nothing wrong with having children raised by homosexual couples. As long as they create a stable living arrangement for the children to live within who give two flying shits about the manner in which their genitals interlock.
There are some accurate statements. Same sex couples do not produce babies. That is a point we will concede. But you know what the one thing that we have in a comfortable excess? Children without stable homes. Hundreds of thousands of children are without caretakers. They sit and wait for there to be more loving, stable homes that do not come. If we can do anything to give them homes that will love them, we as moral and ethical people should do whatever it takes to let these children have homes with the resources to care for them.
There are no accidental or unwanted children when you can't have your own. That's one of those safe guards put into the system itself. They won't allow just anyone to adopt. Which makes it a much better safeguard against bad situations than heterosexual couples as far as I'm concerned.
The one that is used the most these days, is the religious argument. Which when you're talking about a legal and civil matter is utterly meaningless. Your God has no place in the formation of laws. My Gods have no place in the creation of laws. They can inspire us and give us small guidance and comfort but law should be based in what's best for the most number of people, while avoiding tyranny both of the majority and the tyrant. They shouldn't be based on rules and moral systems for a completely different world.
The world lives and changes. We recognize that there are different rules for our children than there were for our parents. It is a completely different world out there. If your God created the universe then he would have to understand that. And hell Mormonism even admits that with the idea of a living prophet. But those that currently hold that seat are from a completely different world than the one we live in and should have no more say in this then their individual vote.
Now, what I'm about to say will offend, and at this point, I don't care. If your God created the universe and all that inhabit it. That means that he made people predisposed to same sex attraction and all of the physical and genetic markers that that would entail. So following this logic, God would know you're gay. He made you. If He's all knowing then he's aware of your preference. He gave that gift. And He believes that sex outside of marriage is the most horrible of sins.
So he has created a class of people who he has knowingly and willingly damned. Because that attraction is innate to them, and they have no means of fulfilling it without falling to sin. I can think of fewer more painful hells than being trapped in an endless battle with your own flesh. That may just be me, but that doesn't sound like the actions of a kind deity.
The argument against gay marriage is at best a handle with no sword. It's comfortable to the hand and the scabbard is pretty to look upon, but once it's drawn out there's nothing to it. It's myth and bluster.
And I deal in myth, bluster, and the grand shell game of the Gods. So don't pretend you can fool me.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Conformity
When asked about my thoughts on this subject I suspect that most who know me would probably guess my reaction as being somewhere between "Violently Opposed" and "I will eat your face-meat infidel". And that probably would not have been far from the truth a few years ago. I would not have made some of the life choices I have made if I wasn't opposed to fitting in for the sake of fitting in. The idea of conforming was anathema to me. I would be who I chose to be no matter what the consequences and that freedom was more important than thing else.
Then I started working in an Elementary School. And my thoughts are now... quite different. Now I'm not saying I'm going to shave and start going to church or any of that particular brand of madness. But that being said, a certain amount of conformity is required to keep society together.
Or to put it in a better light, one of the most important things anyone can learn is how to work within a system. Which is a very important survival skill. If you can't work within a system you've shot yourself in the foot. The trick is and I realize it's not an easy one, is you need to learn to keep your individuality whilst still working within the system. For me and I would say a lot of the teachers I know and work with it's about teaching the children to find that balance. Be true to who you are... just don't be a dick about it. And screeching about how "My unique flower of a child will only be stifled by your oppressive Third Grade class with your tyrannical recess schedule and maths"does nothing to either help your child learn how to exist in the world, or give us as teachers the resources to help them grow.
And here's an astounding fact that so many seem to just not understand. Most if not all teachers I've met really want to help kids. Why the hell else would we get into a field where we're both poorly paid and treated like you're some sort of demon?
Teachers are being held entirely culpable for the actions and choices of their students with no wiggle room. And with the constant testing and hammering with "testable" skills the job itself is not what it was even ten to fifteen years ago. Everybody is looking for easy answers to the learning problem.
And they're aren't any. You can't teach a whole bunch of unique individuals using the same methods.
However uniformity of instruction is a simple fact of the lack of resources. Schools can't make the changes that would ACTUALLY help kids become educated. Across the board they don't have the resources. Because as a culture we don't care about our kids educations. Though we care a great deal about appearing like we do. So we can have all the frosting on our cake but nothing of substance.
Conformity isn't something horrible. It's not the death knell for all peoples. Being a part of a community requires a certain amount of conforming to their standards. You have to work within the confines of the system presented.
That's not the death of creativity and free will. It's what it takes for a safe and happy community. And the real trick, is to find a group where conforming isn't problematic. Cause everyone is going to conform. Or to phrase it another way, we have to compromise in order to not be an asshole. Cause the guy coloring penises on the walls in crayon at the restaurant is "just being a free spirit". And we need to teach our children an idea best phrased by a conman upon being told that a game was crooked, "Yeah, but it's the only game in town!"
Maybe we need to change the game. But at the end of the day, that's just agreeing on new rules for the players to conform to. You gotta keep playing. Otherwise you'll just be one of those assholes drawing penises on the wall and screaming about be "stiffled".
And I think the world already has enough dicks.
Or to put it in a better light, one of the most important things anyone can learn is how to work within a system. Which is a very important survival skill. If you can't work within a system you've shot yourself in the foot. The trick is and I realize it's not an easy one, is you need to learn to keep your individuality whilst still working within the system. For me and I would say a lot of the teachers I know and work with it's about teaching the children to find that balance. Be true to who you are... just don't be a dick about it. And screeching about how "My unique flower of a child will only be stifled by your oppressive Third Grade class with your tyrannical recess schedule and maths"does nothing to either help your child learn how to exist in the world, or give us as teachers the resources to help them grow.
And here's an astounding fact that so many seem to just not understand. Most if not all teachers I've met really want to help kids. Why the hell else would we get into a field where we're both poorly paid and treated like you're some sort of demon?
Teachers are being held entirely culpable for the actions and choices of their students with no wiggle room. And with the constant testing and hammering with "testable" skills the job itself is not what it was even ten to fifteen years ago. Everybody is looking for easy answers to the learning problem.
And they're aren't any. You can't teach a whole bunch of unique individuals using the same methods.
However uniformity of instruction is a simple fact of the lack of resources. Schools can't make the changes that would ACTUALLY help kids become educated. Across the board they don't have the resources. Because as a culture we don't care about our kids educations. Though we care a great deal about appearing like we do. So we can have all the frosting on our cake but nothing of substance.
Conformity isn't something horrible. It's not the death knell for all peoples. Being a part of a community requires a certain amount of conforming to their standards. You have to work within the confines of the system presented.
That's not the death of creativity and free will. It's what it takes for a safe and happy community. And the real trick, is to find a group where conforming isn't problematic. Cause everyone is going to conform. Or to phrase it another way, we have to compromise in order to not be an asshole. Cause the guy coloring penises on the walls in crayon at the restaurant is "just being a free spirit". And we need to teach our children an idea best phrased by a conman upon being told that a game was crooked, "Yeah, but it's the only game in town!"
Maybe we need to change the game. But at the end of the day, that's just agreeing on new rules for the players to conform to. You gotta keep playing. Otherwise you'll just be one of those assholes drawing penises on the wall and screaming about be "stiffled".
And I think the world already has enough dicks.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Totem
Everyone has a totem. They have at least one animal spirit that they identify with. I generally try and avoid these kinds of generalities but this one... this one has some weight to it.
Each totemic relationship is different. For some it will never be anything more then "hey that animal is pretty cool". For others, myself included, they are a way of understand our deeper selves. The savage parts of us, the animal parts of us. Due to that deeper more primal connection that they represent they can act as guides to a greater understanding of our place in the world.
This is something that transcends religion. That transcends philosophy and guides us to greater understanding. Because your Totem (and you may have many) doesn't care what you believe. They aren't from the realm of Gods, but of spirits. Which are echoes of the waking world. You don't worship a totem, though there are some that do. You don't pray to them, though I just did. You don't say what your totem is.
They find you. They come to you because of who you are. Because of the vibrations they sense in you. If you have ever looked into the eyes of a beast and saw yourself look back, you have had a taste of your totemic connection.
For some they feel this connection and it changes there lives. Some cannot bear the thought of harming a beast once they have seen themselves within it. They turn from flesh, they can't stand the weight of the lives that have touched them.
For others, like me, it changes you completely and makes you reverent of the flesh you devour. But doesn't stop you from doing it. My five more prevalent totems, are Bear, Shark, Crab, Raven, and Buffalo. For some people who know me those five will make perfect sense. But they're there. I can feel them, I can imagine how it would feel to live in their skin with the ease of putting on a different pair of clothes. These are a part of me.
And despite whatever you man believe or not. I can see them as a part of you. And if I'm honest, they're part of why I love you.
I've been in a dark place in the last few weeks. I've felt lost, hopeless, and completely unwanted. I've not been able to find any reason to keep going. Not anything bad enough to do anything stupid, but enough to not see the point of moving forward.
And so I looked to my totems. Those spirit guides to the deeper parts of my hypothetical soul. And swimming out of the depths came Shark. He showed me the path. Through him I found the point when there is no point.
They find you. They come to you because of who you are. Because of the vibrations they sense in you. If you have ever looked into the eyes of a beast and saw yourself look back, you have had a taste of your totemic connection.
For some they feel this connection and it changes there lives. Some cannot bear the thought of harming a beast once they have seen themselves within it. They turn from flesh, they can't stand the weight of the lives that have touched them.
For others, like me, it changes you completely and makes you reverent of the flesh you devour. But doesn't stop you from doing it. My five more prevalent totems, are Bear, Shark, Crab, Raven, and Buffalo. For some people who know me those five will make perfect sense. But they're there. I can feel them, I can imagine how it would feel to live in their skin with the ease of putting on a different pair of clothes. These are a part of me.
And despite whatever you man believe or not. I can see them as a part of you. And if I'm honest, they're part of why I love you.
I've been in a dark place in the last few weeks. I've felt lost, hopeless, and completely unwanted. I've not been able to find any reason to keep going. Not anything bad enough to do anything stupid, but enough to not see the point of moving forward.
And so I looked to my totems. Those spirit guides to the deeper parts of my hypothetical soul. And swimming out of the depths came Shark. He showed me the path. Through him I found the point when there is no point.
Brother shark
I pray to you
Bless me with
Your Strength
Your Focus
Your Surety
Help me to swim on
When I know not why
Help me to know the right moment
By the blood in the water
Help me to embrace my nature
And strive for your perfection
Teach me once again
That there is no shame
In just swimming
In just killing
In just eating
In just surviving
That sometimes there is nothing worth more
Then moving forward
Because stopping means death
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sickness
I have diabetes. Because I'm American, and it's in the vogue right now. One must always keep up with the fashions of the time. It's a very serious disease and one that I was exceptional about for a long time, but have gotten much worse about in the last few weeks. Last night I was quite sweet and if it hadn't been for an intuitive voice (thank you Goblins) telling me that the ice cream was a bad idea, I may have eaten myself into a coma last night.
Now there's an insidious quality to diabetes. Because as your blood gets more candylike one of the symptoms is depression. And as you get depressed you're more likely to try and go for stuff that bad for your diabetes. It becomes a lot easier to not care about taking care of yourself.
That's been one of my problems for years. I guess it's a lesson I am still learning. Taking care of myself. It's just that there's so much to be done. So many places to be, people to care about, words to write! I burn myself out because I just keep charging forward. I am apparently attempting to brute force my way though most things. The problem that I have somedays, today in particular, it's very hard to find a reason to take care of myself.
What I do is I endure. I endure until the pain is greater then my capacity to handle it. Because of that? I have grown to have a huge capacity to endure pain. Physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, it's all there. I don't revel in it. I don't embrace it. I accept it as a fact of the thing and move forward. I can't say it's made me happy. But it has made me strong. And at the end of the day you've got to have at least one or the other. If you can't find or make happiness, then strive towards strength. You may not be happy but at least you will be strong. So I'll wrap myself in strength.
Though sometimes, even my strength fails. And when it does I fall. I wallow for a time in the pain and bitter madness that bubbles just below the surface. I'll hate and I'll rage and prod painfully at the rotten hole that grows in that wad of flesh that once held love. I'll drain the poison in time. Hell, I may even clean it out. And I'll go back to that beautifully empty state. With any luck.
Until then... I'll find something to rage against. Even if it's only myself. Hope? It turns to poison far to quickly for me. It's far too easily mistaken for false hope. Love? The kind of love that wakes me in the night with it's terrible lack? That... I'm not sure if it even exists. If it was all a fever dream made of false hope and wishful thinking. Disney promises of princesses and paladins making deep pus filled wounds on a mad man's mind. Empty tears and hollow promises. Drink deep of the bitter cup presented. Mix it with what little honey I can find and choke down the dread mixture. Learn to appreciate it. Find the balance to make it all worth it. Strive not for that which I can't have. Let go the echoes of yesterday that haunt me still. Will always haunt me.
So I write. I drain the poison from my body in the hopes that I can keep moving another day. That I can no more be drained by yesterday's wounds and tomorrow's unfulfilled promises.
But I shall strive on. Grow strong. Fight. For what? I don't know anymore. For the sake of fighting I suppose. But when you have no good reasons anyone will do. And I suppose it's a little better then doing it to spite those creatures that turned me away. Down that path lies no real joy. Only further spreading of pain. And the part of me that still loves them would not see them harmed.
I think that talking about this is helping. Embracing the apathy. Though I have many friends and family who love me dearly. It's the wrong kind of love for what I need. But I can't find that. So I'll strive on without it. Cause fuck it. What else is there to do?
Now there's an insidious quality to diabetes. Because as your blood gets more candylike one of the symptoms is depression. And as you get depressed you're more likely to try and go for stuff that bad for your diabetes. It becomes a lot easier to not care about taking care of yourself.
That's been one of my problems for years. I guess it's a lesson I am still learning. Taking care of myself. It's just that there's so much to be done. So many places to be, people to care about, words to write! I burn myself out because I just keep charging forward. I am apparently attempting to brute force my way though most things. The problem that I have somedays, today in particular, it's very hard to find a reason to take care of myself.
What I do is I endure. I endure until the pain is greater then my capacity to handle it. Because of that? I have grown to have a huge capacity to endure pain. Physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, it's all there. I don't revel in it. I don't embrace it. I accept it as a fact of the thing and move forward. I can't say it's made me happy. But it has made me strong. And at the end of the day you've got to have at least one or the other. If you can't find or make happiness, then strive towards strength. You may not be happy but at least you will be strong. So I'll wrap myself in strength.
Though sometimes, even my strength fails. And when it does I fall. I wallow for a time in the pain and bitter madness that bubbles just below the surface. I'll hate and I'll rage and prod painfully at the rotten hole that grows in that wad of flesh that once held love. I'll drain the poison in time. Hell, I may even clean it out. And I'll go back to that beautifully empty state. With any luck.
Until then... I'll find something to rage against. Even if it's only myself. Hope? It turns to poison far to quickly for me. It's far too easily mistaken for false hope. Love? The kind of love that wakes me in the night with it's terrible lack? That... I'm not sure if it even exists. If it was all a fever dream made of false hope and wishful thinking. Disney promises of princesses and paladins making deep pus filled wounds on a mad man's mind. Empty tears and hollow promises. Drink deep of the bitter cup presented. Mix it with what little honey I can find and choke down the dread mixture. Learn to appreciate it. Find the balance to make it all worth it. Strive not for that which I can't have. Let go the echoes of yesterday that haunt me still. Will always haunt me.
So I write. I drain the poison from my body in the hopes that I can keep moving another day. That I can no more be drained by yesterday's wounds and tomorrow's unfulfilled promises.
But I shall strive on. Grow strong. Fight. For what? I don't know anymore. For the sake of fighting I suppose. But when you have no good reasons anyone will do. And I suppose it's a little better then doing it to spite those creatures that turned me away. Down that path lies no real joy. Only further spreading of pain. And the part of me that still loves them would not see them harmed.
I think that talking about this is helping. Embracing the apathy. Though I have many friends and family who love me dearly. It's the wrong kind of love for what I need. But I can't find that. So I'll strive on without it. Cause fuck it. What else is there to do?
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