I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately. I know, I know, big surprise. But I've come to some conclusions. Though I don't think I'll be able to explain why it is that they make me uncomfortable.
But I'm a good person. Perhaps even a great one.
In a quantifiable way. I've been devoting my life to the special educational needs of the children most in need. I actively seek to alleviate pain where I can. I go out of my way to see the best in people. To look to their virtues instead of writing them off for their flaws. And when I am able, I offer as much as I can to help those that need of it.
A friend of mine called me a "Paladin" the other night.
I wanted to argue. I wanted to say "No. Fuck that. I'm a creature of Chaos." But even as I said it, I knew he was right. If ever there was anyone who understood Chaos... it was this friend. I see the purest beauty of the chaotic universe. I have traveled with Kali and stared into the depth of the Void. I know and appreciate chaos in a way that very few others do... but at the end of the day. I'm good.
Everything I do is divided between betterment of my myself, the people around me, and society as a whole. Under the strictest definition of good... yeah. I'm pretty damn good. But I think the thing that makes me hesitate is the assumption that if I'm "good" then I have to do things like follow the rules and be polite.
And well... I'm not okay with that. I mean, I'm personable. I have tact. I'm moderately unlikely to start eating the faces of the dinner guests. But polite is not a game I'm willing to play. If I don't see the value in something, or simply just don't want to do it... I won't. I'll say I'm sorry and many times will actually mean it, but at the end of the day I don't like that game.
It's why I profoundly bristle when I'm called "Nice". It's why in a majority of contexts I think nice is a dirty word. Far more offense to me than something as innocuous as the fuck word.
And another thing is that I pride myself with the pursuit of strength. I find it one of the more important things to consider when I make any decision. "Will this make me stronger?" But I have the hardest time doing so if it preys on other people. Or... if it preys on the weak pointlessly. That's a better way to put it. I think that may be the crux of the issue that makes me a good person.
I cannot stand pointless suffering. I hate to look at it, deal with it, and be around it. It offends some deep and angry part within me. I have suffered in my life and I have always tried to use that suffering as a form of transformational energy. I don't suffer to suffer and I don't inflict pain for no purpose.
There are many days when I look around and see that existence is fundamentally without meaning.
But because it means nothing, it means we have to work that much harder to create our own. Which I guess...
Makes me a good person.
